BOOGERS

Written 1/9/1997

In study hall you always have to be doing something. If you donít have something on your desk, you get yelled at by the teacher. I had nothing to do one day, and I didnít feel like listening to the teacher have a cow, so I thought Iíd write a story about boogers. So here it is.

 

Do you pick your nose? So do I. I donít like people who donít pick. Theirs gets too full and then they canít breathe through their nose all the way so they breathe through their mouth and nose and make too much noise. Iíd offer to pick their nose for them to make them shut up, but I think if they donít pick, they donít care.

My friend told me once that his dad, who works for Remax, was sitting at his desk with some people who were trying to decide to buy a house or not. It was quiet. He leaned forward in his desk and a dry booger fell out of his nose onto his desk between his clients, ďTap, tapótap...Ē He looked up at them, and flicked it off. Everybody should pick their nose to save themselves from embarrassment.

When somebody has a booger hanging out their nose and they donít know it, it makes me feel weird that thereís something wrong with them and they canít control it Ďcause they donít know it. So I have to lower the atmosphere and say, ďUh, you got a booger hanging out your nose.Ē Then they say ďOh,Ē and tilt their head down and look out the top of their eyes and make an o with their mouth and pick it with their pinky while I watch in silence. That makes me feel stupid.

There are a lot of kinds of boogers. There are some that are crusty and hard. There are some that have small hard heads and long sloppy tails. I donít like the soggy ones. They ainít fun to play with. I like them big and in the middle, - not too hard, and not too sloppy. By the way, what is that humpy thing in your nose? I donít know. It hurts when you pull it...

There are a lot of ways to get rid of booger evidence. Some people fling it with their pointy finger. But thatís not a really good way of getting rid of it. It could smack somebody in the head. If you do that you should warn people of U.F.B.ís, unidentified flying boogers. My little brother wipes them under his shoe. Donít tell him I told you, but he wipes them on the side of his bed! It looks like a map of a mountain range back there. Youíve got to be careful when you get really comfy on a couch, and you stick your hands in between the cushions. You might discover somebodyís secret stash! If you ainít thinking, and you shove your hand down in between the cushions, somebodyís dried booger could get jammed up into your finger nail! And then your finger hurts and it hurts to pick your own nose and you have to wait Ďtill it heals to start picking again.

I donít like having long finger nails. So I cut them as short as I can. But then I have nothing to pick with! Fingernails are an essential tool in booger picking. I try to turn my finger upside down and use what I have to get what I can, but I essentially have to wait Ďtill I get the tip of my fingernail back.

Sometimes I find a really good booger and I take it out and wipe it with my pointy finger on that webby part between your thumb and pointy finger. Then I play with it and smell it, (I like the way they smell), and roll it around into a ball. Then, to get rid of the evidence, I like to break it into a bunch of smaller pieces so they fall onto the floor and dry and get hard and turn into iddy bitty rocks, like on the floor in your car. HEY! How do you know whether youíre stepping on rocks or boogers? You never know!

Well, sometimes I want to get more on my booger, or save it for later, so I put it back in, and it falls off my finger way back into my nose and no matter how hard I try, I canít reach it. It just gets pushed back farther and farther. I plug up the other side of my nose with my thumb and try to blow it into my hand, but itís usually lost for good, doomed to dissolve in my head.

There are some times that I get really aggressive in my picking, and I pick too hard that I make my nose bleed. Sometimes I canít tell whether what Iím picking is really a booger or not, and I try to avoid it all day, but then I get a swell of compulsion and pick it, and then my eyes water and my nose bleeds. This usually happens when Iím on the bus and thereís no where I can bleed on, so I have to slouch down in my seat and tilt my head back and swallow it till it stops.

I donít like fishing for boogers when there ainít any, just runnies. When Iím in school and I have a runny nose, I usually use my arm for a wiper. But then my arm gets crusty, so I learned to use my pants for a wiper after I use my arm so the runnies go from my nose to my arm to my pants. Itís kinda hard to write this Ďcause Iím pretty sure thatís the way it is, but I donít really remember using my pants for a wiper after my arm, but I know I do, so I must do it subconsciously. That means I taught myself well, Ďcause I can do it without thinking. If you donít like to wipe and you get tired of sniffing, Ďcause it keeps running down, you can tilt your head back and swallow it. Thatís better than making a big mess.

You can tell when kids are trying to hide their picking when theyíre suppose to be working in school. They lay their head on their arm down on the desk so nobody can see them picking. But when they get one and they want to see what kind it is, they lift their head up and hold it really close to their face so they can see it.

I had this really awesome booger last night! I woke up around 3 a.m. and the booger conditions were great in my right booger dispenser. I could feel it! So I sat up and plugged up the other side and blew it out. It was a good one! I like to spend the time to enjoy good boogers. One morning I got up to go to school and I went to the bathroom to blow my nose. When I blow my nose, I fold the snot rag into a triangle, put it over my nose with both hands, breathe in my mouth and then close it, and stop up the left side with my left hand and blow out my right so I can get full velocity of blowage, and then the other side. This time when I blew out my right, air came out at first, then it plugged for a second, and then this huge booger the size of the end joint of my thumb blew out. I canít fit my thumb in my nose. It came out so fast that it missed the snot rag completely and landed on the sink. I thought WOW! But I didnít have time to play with it Ďcause I have only enough time to do the essentials to go to school in the morning. I was disappointed, but I hope Iíll find another big one when I have time.

That thing about missing the snot rag? It happens a lot. Sometimes a good booger lands on my shirt on my chest when I blow and I canít see it and I donít look in the mirror every time I blow, so it stays there while I go out and it ruins my life. And besides that, I miss out on a good booger too. When I finally find it at the end of the day, I think back to all the encounters with people I had that day and weather or not I cared that they saw it.

One time in class I felt like my throat was closing up. It was getting hard to breathe and swallow. There wasn't anything wrong with my nose, but I felt like I was gonna suffocate! I tried moving my throat around. I tried swallowing and swallowing, but it just got worse. I started to get scared. I couldn't snort really loud 'cause it would interrupt class and I would get in trouble. After a few minutes it went away. Later I figured that I was trying to swallow snot like hard jello and it was constricting my breathing. It happened more than once, and one time I got to a mirror to look at the back of my throat when it was happening. Sure enough, there was this white-ish mucus hanging down the back of my throat. I'm not much of a spitter, and I don't want to be like some of the guys I know who snort and hock lugies. Its just not me. My doctor told me I had 'post nasal drip'. I had a Greyhound who would start to snort quite violently some times. I guess he had post nasal drip too.

Well one time in the morning before school opened, I was waiting for one of my friends to meet me at the top of the stairs. I saw him start to come up, but I thought I wouldn't say anything 'till he reached the top. When he did, I started to say, "Hhh - " then this huge sloppy wad of mucus flew out my mouth and landed on the top step in front of his shoe! He looked up at me and started to laugh! I said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that!" That spot on those stairs is stained to this day.

When dealing with boogers, picking, wiping, and hocking lugies, you have to consider how you want people to think of you. Take care about your image. Keep your picking secret, and keep your wiping clandestine. I can't tell you how many people I've seen picking their nose while driving their cars. If you're gonna pick your nose, pick inbetween cars when you know nobody will see you! Don't pick in public!

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